Groggy Gets His Colonelcy

MARCH 30TH, 2009
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA
12:00 PM

There was a small crowd of about two dozen men and women, servicemen, Congressmen, friends and family (and a girlfriend) assembled for the ceremony. Major Groggy Dundee was dressed in his Sunday best, wearing his dress uniform, neatly pressed and starched by the finest $2 laundromat. He stood at attention onstage.

With a deep, pompous voice of officialdom, Major General James Teague Walsh proclaimed, "Colonel Dundee, you are a gallant soldier and have errantly come of good stock, but be idle, dissolute, and unprincipled. You use the law and chain of command when you see fit, and you discard them when you do not. You are an adverse influence upon your men and your fellow officers. And despite all of your bravery and talents, I'm sure you will come to no good."

With an air of unprincipled but showy haughtiness, the Major replied: "General Walsh may think me failure and send me to the Devil, but know this - I would go to the Devil to defend my regiment and my country." Then he saluted the General, received his new epaulets, and stood at attention as the audience applauded.

And thus Major Dundee, United States Army became Colonel Groggy Dundee, United States Volunteers, and was officially commissioned as commander of the 1st United States Volunteer Infantry Regiment.

* * *

MARCH 31ST, 2009
WASHINGTON, DC
8:00 PM

Groggy burst into the crowded reception room with Edith Barlow in tow. Elated by his promotion, by his recent string of good fortune, he was an ebullient whirlwind, and he was eager not only to elicit praise - always a goal of an egomaniac - but also to get things underway. Too much talk and delay were making him mad with anticipation, and Edith was bearing the brunt of it.

The two enlisted Marines at the door sloped arms as Dundee entered, but he breezed past them, dressed in his new Colonel's uniform, his hair freshly cut. Edith wore a beautiful black Vera Wang dress, her Irish face and brown hair glowing.

Colonel Dundee engaged in a whirlwind of handshaking. He met two Congressmen, Senator Bob Casey, and several military officers, shaking their hands vigorously and greeting all of them. It was all Edith could do to keep up; she'd never seen Groggy so excited, at least not since the first night they slept together.

"Oh, Joe!" Dundee called out across the room, waving frantically as he sighted his old friend Joe Starbuck. Starbuck was now a Captain, and had served a tour in Iraq since returning from Mexico. He was far from the young shavetail he'd been during the Charriba expedition; now he was a seasoned officer whose computing skills were being put to the best of use by the Army.

Captain Starbuck stood at attention, but he was quickly put at ease by his old friend and commander, whose broad smile disarmed his formality. At Joe's side was his fiancee, Lauren.

"Delighted to see you here, Captain Starbuck!" Groggy said rapidly. "It's been awhile."

"It has indeed, Colonel!" Joe said. The two old friends shook hands, as their escorts greeted each other.

After formalities were exchanged, Groggy went straight to business. "Captain, how would you feel to be catapulted up the ranks a bit?"

"Sir?" Joe seemed surprised.

"I need a Lieutenant Colonel for my new regiment," Groggy continued. "Someone I've worked with, someone I can trust, someone with experience."

"And that's me?" Joe replied, his voice a mixture of surprise and flattery.

"Of course it's you!" Groggy said, with the elation and vigor of a heavily caffeinated ten year old. "Who's been my oldest and longest lasting friend? Who saved my ass in Mexico and then at the court martial? Why, you're more fit to lead the regiment than I am!" He added in sotto voice, "Don't let that get around."

Joe looked at his fiancee and smiled. "Pretty sure it's a well-known fact, Colonel," Lauren replied, staring into her fiancee's eyes.

"And your technical skills and abilities make you even more valuable than before," Groggy continued, now on a roll.

"It's Mexico all over again," Joe said with a smile of reminiscence.

"No, this time it's legal," Groggy said. Edith smiled uneasily at this. "We'll have proper arms, proper uniforms, proper everything."

Groggy suddenly looked across the room and spotted a thin-haired man. "SENATOR SPECTER!" he shouted, rushing across the room, stumbling and knocking over a waiter on the way.

"Oh, for God sake's Joe, help me," Edith said, dragging the Colonel and his afianceed after the Colonel. She knew she couldn't keep Groggy in line by herself.

Senator Arlen Specter, accompanied by his wife and a strikingly-dressed red-haired woman, rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Ladies, brace yourselves," he warned wearily. "Groggy!"

The Colonel stepped forward and shook Senator's hand. "Delighted to see you, Senator!" Groggy said. "It's been too long - since the 2004 campaign, hasn't it?"

"Well, you've been busy in that time, haven't you Groggy?" Specter said wryly.

"This is my girlfriend, Edith Barlow, and I believe you know Captain Starbuck," he continued.

"This is Frau Janina Heinrich, wife of the German Ambassador," Senator Specter replied.

After greeting her in his butchered, fragmented German, he returned his attention to the Senator.

"Senator, we must not allow cowardice and complacency to blind us towards the threat," Groggy lectured. As he spoke, his vigorous hand motions knocked a flower off the shoulder of Frau Heinrich's shoulder.

"Colonel, look what you've done!" the Senator said, aghast, as Groggy continued ranting. Captain Starbuck pinned it

"So, are you in the fight, Senator?" Groggy demanded.

"The people of Germany think you should approach the situation with prudence," Frau Heinrich opined.

"You mean the same people who tried to block our invasion of Iraq because their government and military had illicit dealings with Saddam's government?" Groggy demanded.

Specter was shocked. "Groggy! Some respect, please!"

"Why should I respect this lady's viewpoint when she's a hypocrite?" Groggy continued. "You'll beg my pardon, madam."

"Oh, surely," Nina answered coolly.

"Thank God YOU'RE not President, Groggy, or we'd be at war with half the world!" Specter continued.

"The President? He has the backbone of a Twinkie!" Groggy stated. He'd used the phrase before, but the shocked indignation on the Senator's face was worth it. "And that goes for the United Nations as well! They won't do a damned thing to stand in the way of any major power and you know it, Senator."

"Well, that's certainly true," Frau Heinrich sneered at him.

There was a long, awkward pause. Then the Senator answered, "Well, perhaps Russia will see this side of common sense. Come on, ladies!" He then hastily excused himself and his party,

"Goodbye, Senator!" Groggy called after them. Edith grabbed insistently at his arm. "You know, Joe, this sort of crap might be appropriate for some navel-gazing professors and crooked kraut-eating Kraut businessmen, but we shall not let that effect us or our way of thinking."

"Very good, Groggy," Edith said.

"I believe I've convinced the Senator," Groggy continued.

Edith dragged him away. "Excuse us, Joe."

"I believe he will join the fight!" Groggy called. Captain Starbuck just looked up to the ceiling for guidance, then turned to Lauren.

"Does he realize he's mad?" Lauren asked.

"God knows it's never bothered him before," Joe said, exhausted. The two then went over to a buffet table.